finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
