He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
