I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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