wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
