She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
