White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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