I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
