Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
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Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
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Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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