you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
