I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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