is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
