Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
