Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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