I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
