I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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