I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
