yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
