woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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