i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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