If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
