dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
