I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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