My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My penis needs a shock collar
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
