i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
