How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
