A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
