somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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