you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
