I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
