im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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