I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
