I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
