I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
