At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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