You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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