i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
