just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
