i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
