honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
