You really coming over, don't trick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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