you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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