I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
