Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
