When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
