Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
