He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
