i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
