Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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