I need help removing her.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
