Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
