All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
