It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
