If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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